There was a time in my life when I was envious of others.
When I was younger, I hated seeing people achieving things and having wonderful things that happened in their lives. Especially when they got something so shortly that I’d been working hard for. I got jealous when I saw their post about their travels, happy relationships, or when they posted about their promotion or their new degree.
I used to say to myself, “How do they get something so great so easily while I have to go through hell just to be able to get something basic? Such as sleep, interest, and motivation. I used to compare myself to others, which, when I think about it right now, it’s cringing. I cringe at myself. Like in Avengers: Endgame, when Smart Hulk cringes as he sees himself in rage back in 2012.
Now, whenever I get good news about someone I know or someone I care about, I’m happy for them. Especially when I know how much struggle they’ve been through to get there.
This shows how much I’ve changed. It took a while. I had to go through all the depression: all the self-loathing and the self-harm. I isolated myself from everybody. I fought everybody who tried to care about me. I got so cynical and so defensive that I saw everybody as my enemy.
Even myself.
Especially myself.
I only saw how bad things were for me. I only thought that I had it the worst. I had it the worst so I thought I deserved to be depressed and angry. I was an ungrateful, miserable fuck. I blamed everybody. I blamed myself. I blamed myself for all the bad things that happened to me ever since my childhood, for all the people who traumatized me.
That’s just the very tip of the iceberg. I don’t need to mention everything to show how bad it was.
But now, I’m more compassionate, loving, and supportive. Definitely more thankful. I only care about the relevant things and people, and kind strangers. I’m worried less about stuff out of my control. I’m less sad and less cynical. Happier and freer.
I’m not saying that I’m perfectly fine now.
I still go through shit. We all do. But I’m proud of myself for how much I’ve grown. I handle all the shit better now. Instead of comparing myself to others, I compare myself to my past self.
You should be proud of yourself too. You might not see it from your perspective, but you’re always doing better than you think.
I still have a lot to learn and a lot of things to work on. But that’s completely okay. I like working on myself. I like changing and learning for the better. I like getting stronger. There are shitty days, but it doesn’t mean you go back to your old shitty attitude. It’s easier said than done, but once you start, it will get easier.
As I better myself, I can serve others better as well.
I still get jealous.
For sure. But now, I understand that we are all different in every aspect. No one is the same. Not the same paths, not the same experiences, not the same coping attitude, not the same emotional capacity. Some may be similar to one another, but no one is exactly the same. We all know this. We just forget it sometimes when our extreme feelings get the best of us. Even so, we can still get back up and carry on.
When I get jealous, I don’t compare my and other people’s situations anymore. Instead, I reflect on my own situation and take the time to make efforts to improve it.
Other people really have nothing to do with you controlling your life. Of course, there can be inspirations or motivations here and there, which is wonderful. They help us along our journeys. But those inspirations and motivations you get from others are nothing if you don’t do anything. It’s all up to you. Your own move is all you need.
Once I realized this, it was like I gained some kind of superpower. As I changed my mindset, I also gained a lot of good things along the way. Such as patience, acceptance, calmness, motivation, and more understanding.
Again, I’m not doing perfectly fine. But I’m doing better. … Well, most days.
This may seem pretty basic to some people. But there are also a lot of people who struggle to get to the mindset that they need to get through extreme shit or reach a goal, or even just get through their everyday lives.
In case no one is there to tell you this, I’ll say it again: You are doing better than you think.
After all,
Elusive Explanation 