I’ve been with people in my past who haven’t made me feel like my thoughts and feelings mattered. Considering that I was a quiet sensitive person, they took advantage of that. My inferior personality made them feel dominant and superior. I was innocent, gullible, and easily influenced because of my exceeding admiration for them. They belittled my emotional capabilities. They ridiculed everything I liked and controlled me to also like the same things they did.
In the household I grew up in, it has always been invalid to show negative feelings. Expressing negative thoughts was taken too personally no matter how reasonable you were. It was followed by unresolved arguments until mutual resentment started bottling up and ended up unspoken and misunderstood for the rest of our lives.
Although, lately, my relationship with my family has been continuously improving. But that’s a whole other story.
Anyway, what I’m saying is that I was never confident enough to properly speak my mind. Unless I’m comfortable enough and surrounded by people I trust. Even so, I always sucked at expressing my deepmost feelings as I’ve always thought they were embarrassing, insignificant, irrelevant, and better off silenced.
How I Cope With My Feelings
I deal with my own feelings in different ways depending on what I can do for myself at a certain moment of collapse. Sometimes, I handle my feelings by not handling them. I ignore them as they get worse. When it gets too unbearable, I isolate myself from the rest of the world until some time I’m ready to face reality again. It’s not a very good habit to have.
Then I get to the point where I take it out on the people I love: by insulting them, offending them, hitting them where it would hurt the most. My sense of empathy diminishes since I’m too focused on my own emotional problems. I hate myself so much that I take it out on them. I’m sure there are psychological explanations as to why we normally hurt the people we love. And if anything, it could make things worse.
Finding Someone Who Listens Without Judgment
With the right people, they’ll see right through you and push you to speak up about how you really feel without making you feel bad about it. They make you feel valid and that nothing is wrong with you for feeling the way you do.
I have someone who never judges me no matter what I do in my life. Or no matter what I say. When I tell her good news, she celebrates with me. When I tell her bad news, she listens to me and is there for me. I’m the same way for her. She’s the best friend I ever had.
However, my struggle to trust someone new is frightening. I automatically think that people will hate me and find me too emotional. Too much to handle. So I push them away. I always expect that they will get sick of me. If not today, then eventually. So I leave.
When I think of this rationally, the true ones will only get sick of me if I keep doing things that will make them get sick of me. I do that. I’m aware of it, but I don’t do it on purpose. It’s confusing! I start yelling and start a fight. Accuse them of things they don’t even have any idea about. I have to get it in my head to get less cynical.
It’s difficult. But difficult doesn’t mean impossible.
How It’s Going
I’m not saying that I’ve perfected my ways of dealing with my thoughts and feelings. But it’s incredible to have someone by my side who never dismisses and belittles my voice and, better yet, my personality. Being respected and given importance is just what I’ve needed all along.
Elusive Explanation 