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At this point in my life, many people who I cared about have disappointed me over the years. Well, disappointment is an understatement. Heartbreak is a little cheesy. Let’s just say I’ve been emotionally hurt a lot by people over the years. Family, friends, ex-lovers. Many of them never apologized because they never knew about it. They never knew about it because I never confronted them.
I already forgave those who were not aware that they’d hurt me. But the ones who mentally harmed me on purpose are unacceptable, unjustifiable, and just unforgivable. Yes, there are cruel people like that. A lot of you may relate to this.
We all have a painful past. That’s what we all have in common. What we have that’s different is how we react, what we do about it, and how we get back up.
Not forgiving someone who has deeply hurt you is okay.
All right, I’m familiar with religious teachings about forgiveness and how it would bring you peace. I know all about the “forgive and forget” quotes around the internet and people’s advice. But guess what, it’s never easy. You can’t force yourself to forgive and forget all those traumatic events that were caused by others, whether last year or twelve to thirty years ago. You can’t put a number on your feelings and your memories.
Trauma and depression have changed me a lot and have taught me to be cold and cynical. At least that’s how it may appear in the eyes of others, but for me, I’m just being cautious and guarded. People have hurt me before, and many don’t deserve my forgiveness. For the most part, they blamed me for how I reacted instead of admitting and apologizing for how they wronged me. Can you imagine how toxic that is?
I’m just trying to do better.
My psychiatrist has informed me that I’ve blocked certain memories from my brain since they were too traumatic. Even though I don’t remember most of the things that made me depressed, I still remember how much it hurt because the pain is still within me.
Believe me, I’ve spent years trying to get better. And I do get better, but I must admit that I relapse from time to time. Meanwhile, I’ve learned how to handle my depression instead of fighting it. Just like how Bruce Banner handled Hulk. Instead of treating The Hulk as a monster or a sickness, Banner got to know him better and put both of them together to create one incredible being.
I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him. It took him years to figure it all out. Just like forgiving can take time.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve forgiven people as well. I created my own closure instead of continuously hating those people. I didn’t even instantly realize that I already forgave them. I just found out that I did when the sound of their names didn’t bother me or make me angry anymore. Forgiveness is really a powerful step to having peace of mind. It makes you stronger and provides you with the ability to stay happy.
Heal on your own time.
There is not one correct and particular way of healing from pain. We all go down different paths, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong or something to frown upon. All we need is a little hope, self-care, and a support system that never judges and gives up on us.
I’ve also learned that not being able to forgive is not a sign of weakness. It’s a journey to your stronger self. If you can’t forgive somebody right now, it doesn’t mean that you will never do it someday.
The first step to healing is being honest with yourself and admitting that you’re still in pain. And you can take it from there. Before you know it, you’re happier and more peaceful. The people who mentally damaged you may not deserve your forgiveness, but you deserve peace.
Elusive Explanation 